I work freelance in PR, copywriting and journalism. Here are a few articles and links to features I’ve previously written for various publications.
Dream Escape magazine
Travel writing and interviews for Dream Escape.
Meet the Maker – Geordie Willis – Creative Director at Berry Bros. & Rudd
London’s Top Ten Neighbourhoods
Unveiling England’s UNESCO Secrets
Her Hampshire
I was the relationships columnist at HerHampshire throughout 2021, here are a selection of the articles I contributed at the time.
First published by Her Hampshire in 2021
The truth about dating, marrying and divorcing a narcissist
The end of any relationship is painful but what happens when your ex is a narcissist? Personality disorders like narcissism are more common than you might think. It is surprisingly easy to find yourself in a relationship with someone who has one.
Approximately 1 in 200 people meet the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder. Interestingly, about three-quarters of these are men.
One Her reader has bravely agreed to share her story and tell us what it’s like dating, marrying and divorcing a narcissist. While family law experts Trethowans have given us their advice on navigating the separation process.
Warning signs you’re dating a narcissist
What exactly is narcissism? And how can you spot the signs?
The smartphone selfie era has surely brought out a touch of narcissism in all of us. We can all be guilty of being a little self-involved or even a bit vain. So, how do you know when it’s more serious?
Research has shown that narcissism exists on a spectrum, from a few tendencies to full-blown narcissistic personality disorder. Traits to look out for are:
- Inflated sense of self importance
- Constant need for admiration, praise and special attention (often fuelled by fragile self-esteem)
- Obsession with and fantasies about success, power, beauty or love
- Desire to associate with high-status ‘special’ people
- Sense of entitlement – they expect to be perceived as superior even without the necessary achievements
- Arrogance, tendency to talk about themselves and their achievements (often exaggerated)
- Lack of empathy, failure to take others feelings into consideration
- Extreme sensitivity to criticism
- Easily bored or dissatisfied
- Manipulative behaviour such as gaslighting – a form of emotional abuse which can lead you to question your own reality, memory or perception (often making it seem like you are the problem)
Unfortunately, these red flags won’t usually present themselves until quite a way into the relationship. More often than not, you won’t know you’ve met a narcissist until it’s too late. This was the case for Her reader Alison, who was initially smitten with her ex:
“There was something very different about my first meeting with my ex, compared with that of previous boyfriends. The chemistry was electric, and he ticked every box I was looking for. Tall and handsome aside, it was his charisma, confidence and sense of humour that blew me over. He was intelligent, logical and great in a crisis. But also his communication skills – he was so open and warm, and it felt like he listened with his eyes.”
Love bombing, breaking up & beyond
Narcissists often practise ‘love bombing’ at the beginning of a relationship. This more than the excitement and romance often experienced in a new relationship.
Love bombing involves an overwhelming number of romantic gestures, compliments or gifts. These are intended to gain trust or manipulate you. Alison explained what it was like for her:
“He was unbelievably romantic and would regularly send me links to music videos that surmised his love for me. He’d send me flowers, leave cards on my pillow and write all the things he loved about me on post-it notes around the house. I now know it as love-bombing, but the early days felt like we were living in a rom-com. It was truly blissful. I’d never known love like it.”
How do you go from loved up to the realisation that your partner might have a personality disorder? Having had friends who’ve escaped relationships with manipulative partners, I want to understand how I can best support anyone who might be in a similar situation. Alison told me more:
“I’d say around one year into the relationship, the mask started to slip, but it was infrequent and very subtle. I noticed the confidence and persona he displayed in public, wasn’t quite so apparent at home. He was insecure and quite jealous.”
“He would get bored really quickly, and very snappy over odd things; make a joke about his choice of T-shirt or haircut and he wouldn’t take it well. I thought it was cute and boyish at the time.”
Getting through to a narcissist
Unlike a mental health condition such as anxiety, people with personality disorders do not usually know they have anything wrong. They therefore don’t seek treatment or see a problem with their behaviour. This makes communication incredibly difficult. You may find you just can’t get through to them or make them see your side. This is particularly true of narcissists. Alison explained the difficulties she faced:
“He began to be dishonest about the silliest of things – from conversations he’d relay word-for-word that we hadn’t actually had, to more serious issues like money. He started hiding unpaid utility bills and when I’d confront him on it, he’d find a way to shift the blame on to the bank, payroll at work, or more often his past.”
“He always had a way of deflecting responsibility for anything he was accountable for elsewhere. The lies would soon cause disagreements, but after every attempt at resolving the issues, I’d come away feeling very confused and unsure over what had just happened.”
Empty on empathy
Narcissists tend to have a diminished capacity for empathy. They struggle to take other people’s feelings into consideration. When it comes to splitting up, this is particularly problematic, especially if you’re married or have children together.
Narcissists will completely ignore any memories and history you have together, all they can see is how they feel right now. When you combine this with a charming persona and ability to manipulate others, it is disastrous for divorce proceedings. Narcissists frequently see themselves as the victim and can leave you looking like the bad guy. Alison told me how she experienced this first hand:
“He told me he was leaving me because I was making him mentally unstable. That I was causing him to behave in a way that wasn’t really him – the lies, the lack of empathy. That takes its toll on your mental health and you question your own sanity. I was desperately trying to understand what happened and what I did wrong to cause him to change. I would play it over and over in my mind, questioning every mistake, every disagreement, every nuance of my personality.”
Dealing with someone so manipulative and lacking in empathy can be devastating as Alison confided:
“Communication felt impossible and there were many times when a text or email would appear from him which led to crippling anxiety attacks. At one point, there was a time when I just didn’t want to be alive anymore. I believed him when he said I made him this way and it felt like it was all my fault.”
Negotiating with a narcissist
When it comes to divorce and separation, it’s essential to find an experienced legal team. Emma Wilders-Pratt, family law partner at Threthowans offered us her professional expertise:
“It’s important to approach resolving conflict in a conciliatory way. Understanding the psychology of the person being negotiated with is a crucial consideration for any legal team. Knowledge and experience of dealing with the narcissistic mindset is a must in order to get the right results.”
“The aim is always to find the best possible exit for the client and this can’t be achieved by demonising the other party, which ultimately can inflame and prolong the conflict. Demonising and labelling a person moves the negotiator further away from understanding them.”
If children are involved, the parents need to continue to communicate and work together, sometimes for many years after the separation. Emma Wilders-Pratt, explained how a cautious, flexible approach is needed:
“As a team, we have dealt with people whose behaviour can be challenging. We’d always advise taking a tailored approach, every case is different and a good legal team will listen and adapt their methods to suit the individual circumstances of each family.”
Experienced legal teams like those at Trethowans know only too well how a narcissist may seek to undermine you in court. Emma Wilders-Pratt continued:
“If a client is faced with a partner who presents symptoms of narcissistic behaviour they may think that going to court is the only way forward. Should this be the case, it can be a daunting prospect, but a strong legal team will have the expertise to guide and support you through the process. Your legal team should leave you feeling reassured that they’ll do everything they can for you and your family.”
“In some cases, litigation may not be the only way and there are many alternative options to consider. It is well worth ensuring your legal team has expertise in these alternative methods such as mediation and the no court approach, known as collaborative law. You want to be able to clearly explore all of the options, so that whatever route you take, you can be confident of getting the best possible outcome.”
Seeking support & starting again
With support from friends, family and her legal team, Alison got divorced and successfully broke away from her ex. She’s now in a better place.
“I never thought something like this would happen to me, I’d previously considered myself a good judge of character. I now know that someone with a personality disorder will go to great lengths to manipulate you into seeing things their way. It’s easy to completely lose yourself whilst you’re with them. Remember, trust your instincts and find someone to confide in – having a friend to sense check what you’re experiencing can keep you in check and give you strength when you need it. If you’re separating and there are legal matters to deal with, find a legal team that understands and has experience in dealing with personality disorders, like Trethowans.”
If you are at the stage of requiring legal support, talk to Trethowans. The family law team works closely with a number of experts to ensure that each client receives the full package of support. They’ll help you navigate the complexities of divorce as painlessly as possible.
If you need help reach out to a support service or charity such as Relate or Women’s Aid.
Love in the time of covid: What it’s like dating during a pandemic
First published by Her Hampshire in 2021
Last week, the CEO of popular dating app Hinge, claimed people are now ‘looking for something more serious’. I was curious to know if this was true in reality.
Has the pandemic changed the dating scene forever and what does the future hold?
With restrictions easing, experts are predicting a ‘summer of love’ and a ‘roaring twenties’ style period of decadent socialising this year.
Up to now, has it all been outdoor coffees, masked walks and secret risky rendezvous? I spoke to several Hampshire women to learn more about pandemic dating and its future.
Boredom & the online dating boom
There was a record-breaking 3 billion swipes in a single day on Tinder in March 2020. Reports from several of the other well-known dating apps suggest that usage soared during the pandemic.
This hasn’t been everyone’s experience though, as one Her reader told me:
“I am on several dating sites but I’ve barely used them during lockdown. I just found it was hard to seem interesting when I wasn’t doing anything at all, other than working from home on my own. I found it a struggle to keep conversations going with potential matches when there was so little to talk about. There’s only so many times you can give the same answer to ‘How was your day?’ before things fizzle out. I just couldn’t face it.”
The boredom of lockdown had the opposite effect on some, persuading them to try dating apps for the first time. One ‘happily single’ Hampshire woman explained her motivation:
“While I’m glad not to have been trapped trying to juggle work and home schooling schedules, like many of my friends were, there were definitely times I felt pretty lonely during the first half of last year. I enjoy having my own space and the freedom to do what I want, but with the possibility of travel, eating out and socialising taken away from me – I decided to try online dating for the first time. I’ve always said I’m perfectly happy being single but I suppose it just felt like the right time and quite honestly, I was very bored!”
The lost art of conversation
With the possibility of physical interaction and intimacy not on the cards – I wondered, were more emotional connections being made? Or did the unprecedented, end of the world feeling lead to all rules on appropriate conversation going out of the window?
Data from the US, suggests single people have been spending more time getting to know their matches, having deeper conversations and even being more honest. It’s hard to say if this is true over here.
Some of the women I spoke to reported an increase in unsolicited sexually explicit pictures and a surge in the number of requests for virtual hookups.
One woman on the receiving end felt the pandemic had definitely contributed, she explained:
“It’s like these men know they’ll never meet you in real life. At the time, no-one was meeting up because of lockdown, so they just came right out with all the really explicit requests right away with minimal effort to even get to know you. I think they knew they could get away with it. I don’t know if it was boredom or the craziness of the times, but for me personally, I definitely felt like this kind of behaviour on dating apps went up in 2020.”
Adventures in socially distanced dating
Last year meeting up with friends and family was deemed unsafe. So, meeting up with a stranger was quite a bold step.
One of my single sources told me about her experience:
“I tried video dating, which at first I thought would be really awkward, but after spending so much time on Zoom and Teams for work, I got used to the idea. It’s actually quite a nice way to get to know someone and I found it easy to talk to one guy for over an hour.”
You can’t beat a face to face meet up though, surely? I discovered it’s not quite that simple with socially distanced dating, my source continued:
“With restaurants and bars closed, all you could do is go for a walk or sit on a park bench and talk. I tried this a couple of times but it just didn’t work for me. You walk and sit side by side, rather than across from your date, like you would in a restaurant. You don’t really get a chance to properly see their face or make eye contact. Coupled with this, it was cold and rainy when I met my date, which made the whole thing a not particularly pleasant experience.”
It’s not quite the romantic Jane Austen style promenading in the park that I’d imagined. Still, many daters persisted with walking dates and some even took it to the next level and started seeing one another. But how do you decide when to stop social distancing and start kissing?
Social distancing surely puts an awkward strain on in-person flirting, no casual touch of the arm or subtle reach for a hand. How can you tell if your date likes you?
One Hampshire dater, now in a relationship, told me more:
“It’s definitely weird, going from socially distanced dates to a relationship. It couldn’t really happen naturally, we had to talk about it first and decided it was worth it. The bad weather helped us to have this discussion, we talked about going to each other’s houses, just so we didn’t have to be freezing cold each time we met up. It forced us to think about whether we wanted to take the next step.”
I wondered if this meant committed relationships formed at a faster pace than they might normally. For some of those I spoke to, lockdown was a make-or-break moment. One couple’s break up was accelerated by living apart and both working long hours during the pandemic. Meanwhile, another couple had decided to make the leap and move in during lockdown, after just a few dates.
Missing out on fun and flirting
For those who did couple up during the past year, I discovered it’s not quite all it’s cracked up to be.
Being in a new relationship during the pandemic is a different experience to normal times. One source told me that she felt she’d missed out on the fun and thrills of a new relationship and jumped straight to the “comfy, sitting on the sofa eating crisps stage.”
With the UK in lockdown, there was no chance to get dressed up and meet for a dinner date or flirt over drinks. When loungewear and takeaways were as good as it got during 2020, some new couples felt robbed of that initial, early relationship excitement.
Single, vaccinated and ready to mingle
What’s the latest trend to emerge as a turn on in online dating? The covid vaccine.
Vaccine selfies and mentions of having had the jab are all on the increase on profiles. And, things have gone one step further in the US, dating apps are actually going to be encouraging people to get vaccinated. There are even badges you can add to your profile to say you’ve been vaccinated.
Most of the singles I spoke to were in their 20s and 30s and had not yet been offered the vaccine. So, it’s too soon to say if it will have the same effect here. Some early signs are that vaccination is definitely a plus, as one Her reader told me:
“I’m not saying being vaccinated would make someone more attractive to me, but I’d feel pretty put off by someone who’s against getting vaccinated.”
The future of dating
After a year starved of socialising and human interaction, will the ‘summer of love’ really happen? Are people more focused on finding something serious, as the Hinge CEO predicts? I asked my Hampshire single sources to give their verdict.
One source felt unsure the world was ready for a 60s style ‘summer of love’:
“For people like me in their 30s, I think it’s always been about trying to find something serious, I don’t think covid’s changed that. As for the summer of socialising and fun, I’m personally ready to dive in, I thought it would happen last summer when restrictions started to lift. But I think there’s actually still a lot of apprehension out there. People I’ve spoken to are still uneasy about covid.”
Another single source said the future on dating apps was pretty bleak:
“There may be some people who are looking for something serious, but I don’t think they’re the ones on dating apps, unfortunately. Dating apps in general aren’t great for women and it’s only getting worse. I think it makes people seem disposable, like there’s endless choice. And, don’t get me started on ghosting, there’s just no closure when someone decides they’re not interested and that can be damaging for mental health.”
Just as I was beginning to wonder if there was any hope left, one source gave me a glimmer of optimism:
“I’ve been being incredibly cautious during covid and avoided dating altogether, just to be on the safe side. But now I’m finally feeling more positive. I don’t know if it’s all the time I’ve spent cooped up inside, but on the day I went to get vaccinated, I noticed quite a few attractive people around! I took it as a sign and decided to turn my dating apps back on and get back out there – I’m definitely ready for the summer of love.”
What’s Conduct Got To Do With It?
The Importance of Being Clued Up on Your Marital Finances
First published by Her Hampshire in 2021
It’s no secret that in a marriage women are frequently in the weaker financial position. A recent YouGov study found that one in three women in relationships are financially dependent on their partner.
Thanks to the gender pay gap, career sacrifices for childcare and numerous other issues, women often have less in the bank than their husbands. This means we don’t have total financial independence, even when we work full time. Despite this, so many of us are in the dark when it comes to our joint finances – and that can be a real problem.
If you’re not fully financially independent, your partner’s spending habits and attitudes to debt could have a real impact on your life. And, with the rise in problem gambling in the UK, (especially among men), it’s more common than you might think to find yourself a victim of what is known as ‘financial misconduct’ in marriage. This is a serious issue and it disproportionately affects women, who can suddenly find that their partner has secretly gambled savings, borrowed excessively or spent recklessly.
It’s never been more important for women to get to grips with their financial position and be aware of financial red flags in a relationship. I spoke to family law experts Trethowans to find out more.
Knowledge is power
I can be guilty of burying my head in the sand on the topic of money and I’m not the only one.
Despite the emphasis on equality in relationships, women can still be disengaged when it comes to the joint finances. I wanted to know sort of position this puts women in?
According to Laura Bell, Senior Associate at Trethowans it can mean not knowing where you stand or what you’re entitled to when a relationship breaks down:
“Sadly, we find that many women don’t often understand the true state of their finances as a couple until it’s too late. This may be because their husbands tend to ‘look after’ the finances, or their husbands run their own businesses and the financial position may not be readily available to understand.”
Why are we so reluctant to discuss finances? Is it old-fashioned awkwardness surrounding money? Maybe it comes down to not wanting to imagine the worst case scenario. Are any of these good enough reasons not to be financially aware though?
“No one enters a marriage assuming they’ll one day be splitting up – but if it does happen – you can be so much better protected if you know your financial situation well. Whatever the reason, ensuring you have an understanding of your joint assets and financial circumstance, is never a bad thing.”
Facing up to financial misconduct
If the advice from Trethowans is a little bit of a wakeup call (it was for me) – then brace yourself because it can get worse. I asked Laura what actually counts as ‘financial misconduct’ and what happens if you’re a victim of it:
“The issue of financial misconduct is by no means clear-cut. Examples of what might be considered financial misconduct in marriage could be extravagant and unjustified spending, excessive gambling or spending on unsavory items or trying to place the matrimonial assets beyond the reach of the other party.”
Hopefully this never happens to you. But if you were to find this kind of destructive behaviour in your marriage, you might be surprised to learn that the Court will not necessarily be sympathetic:
“Separating is an emotionally charged time, particularly when either party feels they’ve been ‘wronged’. We are frequently asked whether one party’s financial ‘misconduct’ will be reflected in a financial settlement upon divorce. However, on the whole, the law is slow to recognise financial misconduct. It can be taken into consideration but tends to be the exception not the norm.”
Wising up to the warning signs
While it’s hopefully quite unlikely that your other half is spending thousands without you knowing – being more financially savvy can only be a good thing. This is not about being unduly suspicious, it’s about being fully informed of your financial situation.
I asked Laura how to be more financially aware and minimise the risk of something going wrong:
“Firstly, it’s important to know the warning signs. In our experience these tend to be:
- A partner being secretive about details relating to their finances;
- Excessive spending by a partner, with not a lot to show for it;
- Significant “gifts” being made to friends or family;
- Making claims of there being a sudden depreciation in property value;
- Not being able to offer a comprehensible explanation in relation to any change in assets;
- Where there is the operation of financial control – not giving you visibility to assets, or only providing a monthly ‘allowance’ to spend.
Try to have an honest conversation before reaching any firm conclusions. While it’s not always easy for couples to talk about money, attempting to have this discussion could clear things up. Consider whether your partner is willing to engage in talking about your joint financial circumstances before assuming the worst.”
How to protect yourself
If you are concerned about any financial red flags in your marriage, there are steps you can take to protect yourself.
- If you share any joint bank accounts, make sure that you have access to the online banking facilities and regularly check the statements.
- Take steps to be certain that there are not undisclosed assets or liabilities in marriage – make sure there is transparency with regards to your finances.
- If you suspect that there are hidden assets, consider instructing an accountant to conduct a forensic exercise (especially in relation to business accounts, which may be particularly difficult to decipher). This will ensure you can fully understand the figures that are being presented.
- You can undertake regular credit checks online (through sites like Experian) to see if this flags anything of concern.
Lastly, for anyone who is worried about their situation, consider taking early legal advice on how to protect yourself. Bell explained the legal options that could help:
- If you are worried that there are properties being sold, and the net proceeds of sale are being syphoned off, there could be options such as placing a “Matrimonial Home Right” or “Unilateral Notice” over the title to the property, so that potential buyers are warned of your interest in the property and this can also delay a sale.
- You can apply to the Court to “freeze” assets so that they are not depleted further.
- Consider whether an application for a Legal Services Payment Order (LSPO) would assist. This is an Order for one party to make a payment to the other in respect of their legal advice. Typically this Order is made when one party does not have the same financial means as the other, and it prevents them from being disadvantaged by not having access to legal advice.
Finances and the future
After speaking to Trethowans it definitely feels like time to pull my head out of the sand.
For too long I, and many other women, have had a disconnected relationship with finances and it’s time we ended that. While a lot of the advice discussed may seem like a world away from own my life, it does highlight why women really need know their full financial situation.
I’ll be putting myself on the road becoming financially savvy, who’s joining me?
Everything I’ve learnt about making friends as an adult
First Published by Her Hampshire in 2021
Why does it feel so strange to admit you’d like to make new friends as an adult?
Is it that you should have made all the friends you need already? Perhaps it’s the paranoia that there must be something wrong if you’ve not figured out your friendships yet.
It can make you feel incredibly vulnerable putting yourself out there trying to make friends as a grown adult. But I’m here to tell you, it’s worth it.
Friendships are good for us
Making friends is harder than used to be. We had it so easy as kids, being thrust together with people our own age on a daily basis. Forming friendships just seemed to happen naturally. Now it feels like something we have to work at, especially with everything that’s happened this past year.
Putting the work into meaningful friendships is worthwhile though. Research has shown that friendships really do help you cope far better with stress and difficult times. One study even suggests people live longer if they have a close friendship network.
Feeling the lockdown loneliness
It’s not that I don’t have friends. I’m very lucky that I have some amazing girlfriends and family, who are all mostly within half an hour’s drive. I’m more fortunate that many.
But during lockdown, with the orders to stick to your immediate local area, I did feel a little lonely. I don’t have very many close friends on my doorstep. Those I do have, had children and different schedules to me.
It turns out I wasn’t the only one feeling this way. Last year, a study found 46% of UK workers had experienced loneliness as a result of working from home. People have seriously been missing out on building relationships with colleagues.
What’s more, with almost everything closed during lockdowns, there have been so few opportunities to connect. As if making friends as an adult wasn’t hard enough, we’ve all been denied the chance to bond over simple things like an after work drink or a regular exercise class.
Taking the plunge
Despite the difficulties, I succeeded in making some new friends close to home. We bonded at first over wild swimming but soon, as restrictions eased, we were meeting for drinks and sharing plenty of laughs. Forming these friendships has made such a positive difference to my life.
So, here is everything I’ve learnt along the way about making friends as an adult.
Adult friendships are fresh start: We all change as we age and sometimes grow into different people than we used to be. Making new friends as a grown up is a chance for a clean slate. You don’t have to be tied down by anything in your past. It’s a chance to meet people who complement who you are right now, where you’re at in life and the things you like to do.
Social media doesn’t have to be a lonely place: Social media can be blamed for making us all feel increasingly lonely – but used carefully, it’s an amazing tool for finding friendship. If you’re on Instagram it’s easy to find and follow people in your area or with similar interests. For me personally, I’d always loved wild swimming. So, finding some local women who love a dip in the UK’s chilly waters felt like a sign. For me, what started as a few comments and DMs on Instagram became a very active Whatsapp group and I haven’t looked back since.
The right group for you is probably out there: You don’t have to be on Instagram, local Facebook groups can be a great resource. Join them and see what people are posting about. From there you may discover mum’s groups, running clubs, book groups, classes and more.
Prioritise quality friendships over quantity: It only takes one or two new friends to make a huge difference to your life. You don’t need to create a whole new friendships circle, just sharing some laughs with one other person can be a much needed mood booster.
How else can you make friends?
I was lucky, my niche interest in immersing myself in cold water soon led me to some wonderful local women who love to do the same. However, there plenty of other well-established ways to find friends as an adult.
Don’t be afraid to be proactive on social media: If like me, you’d like local a friend to swim with, put the feelers out and post about it. Maybe you’re looking for runners at your level or to get to know some local freelancers, post in Facebook groups, tweet or send an Instagram story. It can feel daunting doing this, but I promise no-one will judge you for it.
Try apps for finding friendship: Online dating is now accepted as the norm and apps for making friends are increasing in popularity. There are several friendship apps out there to try including Bumble BFF, Peanut and Friender. For mums, there’s an app called Mush to help connect you with other likeminded local mums.
Volunteer for a cause you care about: Volunteering is fulfilling and rewarding in its own right, but it’s also a great way to meet people who are passionate about the same causes you are. A little research will usually reveal plenty of opportunities in your area and could lead to genuine connections with people who share your values.
Nothing to lose and everything to gain
I don’t deny there’s a sense of uneasiness that comes with putting yourself out there. Admitting you want to meet new people can be a little nerve wracking – but it is so worth getting past those feelings. If you’re unsure or feeling awkward, ask yourself what have you really got to lose and what could you potentially gain?
For me, finding new friendships close to home has meant so much. Without them I’d never have experienced the thrill of my first winter wild swim – but more than that I’d have missed out on some seriously beneficial fun and laughter.
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